Simi_1986's Xanga

It's time!!

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:14:44 GMT

So, I'm spending New Year's Eve all alone. Yes. it's gonna be 2010 soon, and I'm in Beijing, and yes, I won't do anything. Because I don't drink. So I wasn't welcome to go with my "friends". I think that's funny. I'm really pissed off, but I still think it's funny.

Wow, so many impressions I got here in China. It's really time to go home. Otherwise I'll really start hating China...

Have a happy new year. Let it be a better year than 2009....

Zeit loszulassen...

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 07:19:16 GMT

Heute las ich deine E-Mail die du mir geschrieben hast nachdem wir uns trennten. Das hätte ich nicht tun sollen, es tat mir ehrlich nicht gut. Ich dachte ich wäre locker darüber weg, aber die Wahrheit ist, es tut immer noch weh, dass ich auch einen sehr guten Freund verloren habe. Es tut immer noch weh, dass ich so viel gelitten habe, obwohl ich die ganze Zeit redete und es dir verständlich gemacht habe. Es tut weh, dass wir anscheinend aneinander vorbei redeten und es nicht mehr heilbar ist. Es tut weh, dass ich so gutmütig war und mich unermüdlich opferte. Es tut weh, dass du mich nie geschätzt hast.Was aber am meisten weh tut, dass du nie was dafür getan hast dass es mir nicht weh tut.

Ich weiß aber, dass es so kommen musste und habe die Konsequenzen gezogen. Es geht weiter für uns beide, nur unsere Wege trennten sich hier. Und es war richtig so.

I needed you.
There was days I wondered if you really loved me.
I couldn't take it.
It came time for me to get rid of all that pain.
Wrong or right I had to go for what I know.

Danke für die Zeiten in denen du für mich da warst. Alles Gute für deine Zukunft.

If I could fly away, then I wouldn't come back no more...

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:44:54 GMT

I'm really so sick of constantly feeling mentally retarded in really everything and every single day!!
As if I hadn't had enough problems already this year, I nearly knock myself out with constantly feeling mentally retarded. Here's how it came to this:
After my life here gradually changed into somewhat normal again, I find myself completely lost in China again. This time it is about skills, especially the Chinese language . It has become a horror for me. As well as being with other people, becuase I feel so dumb all the time. It seems like everyone shoots ahead with no sweat, and I'm stuck alone wondering why on earth I can't get forward. It seems like every effort is just a drop into the ocean. I can't really communicate with people here, and it embarrasses me so much that I started to avoid them. It's embarrassing if you constantly have to ask "what?" or "sorry?" it feels so dumb besides all the looks you get... So not saying anything at all is better than to constantly make yourself look like you're an complete idiot.
I'm not the type of person who feels too proud to make mistakes, quite the opposite: I don't have any pride anymore... maybe never really had, but I just can't help it.

Any then maybe, because I just tend to pick the wrong friends everywhere I go. Or maybe I just got the wrong idea of what friendship means, but I think it's not about: "I want to be the best and I want everyone to know how clever I am" and "only if my mood is right I am nice to YOU". Come on, what's that!? It's about being strong together, supporting eacht other, being happy together.
Besides my obviously different perception of friendship, I feel like I don't even have any friends here. Maybe it is because of the language barrier, but then I don't really feel accepted, I don't feel comfortable with them.
God, I really miss my German friends... with them I just can be who I am and we have actual friendships...

I don't know, it might be my fault that I feel like that. But I still think, that this world has become very selfish. It's all about yourself and securing your advantages. Where's the kindness, honesty, loyalty, the willingness to help and where's the trust??
As for me, I am not willing to adapt to the society we live in nowadays. But I will need to find a way to live with it and at the same time being able to go my way.

What I do know is that I let people and situations tear me down. And I hate myself so much for that because I just can't seem to be able to protect myself. I'm pretty sick of me allowing people to hurt me, of China, of the people here, of the people who tear me down, of my past who keeps reminding me of all my weaknesses, of my life the way I have lead it, and still lead now. So sick that it really makes me feel sick. I can't sleep at night, I can't focus on anything but that. It keeps haunting me all the time.
And I'm sick of being sick. I want a life too. And I want it now before I grow too old. I don't want to end up regretting my live. I had to cut back all my life, and now I want it all back. I want a chance to life too. And I don't think it's too much I ask for.

It has to begin. I have to learn to be strong on my own. Be my own best friend. I need to accept my past and move on. I need to let go of the people who are no good for me. I need to learn to accept myself. Give myself some time if things don't go the way I want them to be. Because I know exactly what I want in life and what I don't want. I just feel like I don't have access to the way to fullfill all that.

I have to admit I kind of gave up fighting, because there was just no use in putting up so much energy. But things kept going from bad to worse so I guess I just have to do something about it. It just can't go on this way.
I just don't know how yet, because I don't have the strength to fight the way I used to fight all the years before. I spent too much energy on it, honestly it exhausted me. It literally ate me up.

Well, this year has been a tough year. Let's see how 2010 will be.

Maybe by being a little more relaxed, by laughing away I eventually have the chance of being happy one day despite all the problems. I'll have to try. And that's what I'm gonna do.

Because in life, fighting never stops, never...

"Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers."

The value of a life

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 01:12:49 GMT

...differs from what point of view you look at it. I have met many nice people and if they weren't there anymore I'd be deeply shocked and sad.
It's funny, when I was young I'd even be very sad when people died I didn't even know at all. That never went away.
But when it comes to my life, I'm kind of 'whatever'. And it's sad but it's always been like that.
I was thinking about that yesterday when I went to bed. And it kind of shocked me how no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get my life together.
I know that no life is perfect, but I keep wondering why mine has to be so screwed up. I try so hard to make it work, but my past just won't let me be free. I just can't change the way I think. I keep putting myself last, trying to please everyone, no matter how much I suffer under it. Because I know I can't please myself I want to make other people happy so at least someone is happy. It's just because I was always beaten in that I'm useless, a bad person and daughter, and if you hear or get to feel that every goddam day of you life for 21 years, you kind of believe it even though you know it's not right. But what can you do?

That's what I don't know. I am wondering why me? I never ment to hurt anyone and I'm not a bad person. But why am I always given such rough times? My childhood and everything that goes with it, school, my disease that still keeps me from enjoying life and probably always will, the people that use me and stupid as I am I let them because I learned the hard way not to fight back in any way. Because when I was young everytime I tried to resist I was swiped off my ground... so there came a day when I didn't fight back just to avoid any further pain.
I'm still so much impressed how you can influence a young person's life.

And now I'm here in China, looking back makes me feel so sick. This year exhausted me. Everything that can possibly go wrong went wrong and sometimes even more than that. And now I am wondering why me? There are so many idiots out there who are so selfish that they don't even notice it anymore and they have a smooth life. Maybe just by being an asshole makes your life easier.

Now I will have exams in 2 weeks and I haven't had the chance to study during the whole semester because I was too busy fighting my problems and my disease. That makes me so angry that I can't sleep at night. All I wanted is to come here, be an ordinary student and make progresses in Chinese. But I haven't. Everything I built up since moving out from my parents' house and held so hard together the last two years just seems to have broken apart now and I'm left with nothing. My chinese really sucks, and I get to feel that everyday. And it's depressing when I look back how it fascinated me and how much fun it was. Now it's just one big and never ending pain I can't get rid of because it once was a very important part of me. I thought I was good at it, maybe the only thing that I'm good at but now there's nothing left and I just feel so empty and stupid.

I am well aware that if I thought differently about it, I might not be in such a misery. But I don't know how to change it and I don't have any strength left to change it because I wasted all of it fighting my own life for 23 years.
So I guess now I'll just linger around until things get better, or worse. As they probably won't get better by not doing anything, I figure I'll just watch my life go down the pan and I can't do anything because I'm too tired to fight.
And there comes the time when I think how worthless my life is and I wish I would have never had to start it in the first place.

It's a vicious circle walking around and get to feel every goddam day how useless and stupid you are and at the same time not to be able to do anything about the shit you're in. You see your life going down in front of your eyes, the life you have put so much energy in just fades away like that. And all you wish is to be accepted, loved and happy just for once.You try to imagine how nice a life can be and then again wonder why it was denied to you.

I'm too broken to fix myself.
It just makes me puke..

女孩不坏，男孩不爱。

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:42:44 GMT

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone
Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone...

Where is mine?...

So I finally settled in...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:49:18 GMT

It's been almost 3 months when I first put foot on China.

I definitely hit the punchline on October the 20th when I had to move out after a long, nasty and very nerve-racking time with two Chinese guys and one very moody Norwegian girl...

That time really took a lot of energy out of me, and it really threw me back in classes. But in the end, I made it and am doing so much better now.
If it wasn't for the German family who willingly kind of adopted me, I wouldn't have been able to recover so well and quickly.
I really do regret the time and energy I have wasted to save the situation and make it work between my 3 former flatmates, and especially the fact that because of this and my health problems I could never concentrate on studying and have therefore missed out on so much.

Though, I don't think it's worth regretting that time. Because when I look back, there were so many nice moments too I just didn't see back then.
I got to know so many nice people who with just being there made me feel so much better. And if it wasn't for all that, I would have never met that nice family I am living with now. They are probably the nicest and most upright people I have met in a very long time! I am very grateful about having met them. They probably don't know to what extend they did good for me.

The only thing that I kind of feel sad about is that I haven't been able to make Chinese friends. It just seems to be impossible. I have met nice ones by now though. So I won't give up the hope that one day I will have Chinese friends that are my friends because for who I am, not for what I can do.

善有善报，
恶有恶报。
不是不报，
事后未到。
时候一到，
一切都报。

为什么？。。。

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:31:34 GMT

对中国人，我们只是白色的人。。。
可我们都是人，我们都一样。。。

偏见太多了，钱看上去是最重要的事。。。
为什么？

可能，我帆了一个很大的错误去中国。。。

:(

und dabei war das ein großer Traum hierher zu kommen...

A true loving song...

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:40:21 GMT

Hold me
Like the river Jordan
And I will then say to thee
You are my friend

Carry me
Like you are my brother
Love me like a mother
Will you be there?

Weary
Tell me will you hold me?
When wrong, will you scold me?
When lost, will you find me?

But they told me
A man should be faithful
And walk when not able
And fight 'til the end
But I'm only human

Everyone's taking control of me
Seems that the world's
Got a role for me
I'm so confused
Will you show it to me?
You'll be there for me
And care enough to bear me

Hold me (show me)
Lay your head lowly (lowly)
Softly then boldly
Carry me there (I'm only human)

Lead me (hold me)
Love me and feed me
Kiss me and free me
I will feel blessed (I'm only human)

Carry (carry)
Carry me boldly (carry me)
Lift me up slowly
Carry me there (I'm only human)

Save me (save me)
Heal me and bathe me (lift me up)
Softly you say to me
I will be there (I will be there)

Lift me (don't leave)
Lift me up slowly
Carry me boldly
Show me you care (care)

Hold me
Lay your head lowly (get lonely sometime)
Softly then boldly (I get lonely)
Carry me there (will you be there)

Need me
Love me and feed me (lift me up, hold me up, lift me up sometime)
Kiss me and free me (up sometime)
I will feel blessed

In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
And my tribulations
Through our doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part
For you're always in my heart

*Michael Jackson

"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong."

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 12:52:16 GMT

Sometimes it's letting go."

Kind of cheesy, but probably true...

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:14:45 GMT