Interests:languages! :) especially english, chinese and japanese; martial arts, cultures, music, movies, science, chinese calligraphy Expertise:college student Occupation:Other Industry:Other
...differs from what point of view you look at it. I have met many nice people and if they weren't there anymore I'd be deeply shocked and sad. It's funny, when I was young I'd even be very sad when people died I didn't even know at all. That never went away. But when it comes to my life, I'm kind of 'whatever'. And it's sad but it's always been like that. I was thinking about that yesterday when I went to bed. And it kind of shocked me how no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get my life together. I know that no life is perfect, but I keep wondering why mine has to be so screwed up. I try so hard to make it work, but my past just won't let me be free. I just can't change the way I think. I keep putting myself last, trying to please everyone, no matter how much I suffer under it. Because I know I can't please myself I want to make other people happy so at least someone is happy. It's just because I was always beaten in that I'm useless, a bad person and daughter, and if you hear or get to feel that every goddam day of you life for 21 years, you kind of believe it even though you know it's not right. But what can you do?
That's what I don't know. I am wondering why me? I never ment to hurt anyone and I'm not a bad person. But why am I always given such rough times? My childhood and everything that goes with it, school, my disease that still keeps me from enjoying life and probably always will, the people that use me and stupid as I am I let them because I learned the hard way not to fight back in any way. Because when I was young everytime I tried to resist I was swiped off my ground... so there came a day when I didn't fight back just to avoid any further pain. I'm still so much impressed how you can influence a young person's life.
And now I'm here in China, looking back makes me feel so sick. This year exhausted me. Everything that can possibly go wrong went wrong and sometimes even more than that. And now I am wondering why me? There are so many idiots out there who are so selfish that they don't even notice it anymore and they have a smooth life. Maybe just by being an asshole makes your life easier.
Now I will have exams in 2 weeks and I haven't had the chance to study during the whole semester because I was too busy fighting my problems and my disease. That makes me so angry that I can't sleep at night. All I wanted is to come here, be an ordinary student and make progresses in Chinese. But I haven't. Everything I built up since moving out from my parents' house and held so hard together the last two years just seems to have broken apart now and I'm left with nothing. My chinese really sucks, and I get to feel that everyday. And it's depressing when I look back how it fascinated me and how much fun it was. Now it's just one big and never ending pain I can't get rid of because it once was a very important part of me. I thought I was good at it, maybe the only thing that I'm good at but now there's nothing left and I just feel so empty and stupid.
I am well aware that if I thought differently about it, I might not be in such a misery. But I don't know how to change it and I don't have any strength left to change it because I wasted all of it fighting my own life for 23 years. So I guess now I'll just linger around until things get better, or worse. As they probably won't get better by not doing anything, I figure I'll just watch my life go down the pan and I can't do anything because I'm too tired to fight. And there comes the time when I think how worthless my life is and I wish I would have never had to start it in the first place.
It's a vicious circle walking around and get to feel every goddam day how useless and stupid you are and at the same time not to be able to do anything about the shit you're in. You see your life going down in front of your eyes, the life you have put so much energy in just fades away like that. And all you wish is to be accepted, loved and happy just for once.You try to imagine how nice a life can be and then again wonder why it was denied to you.
I'm too broken to fix myself. It just makes me puke..
It's been almost 3 months when I first put foot on China.
I definitely hit the punchline on October the 20th when I had to move out after a long, nasty and very nerve-racking time with two Chinese guys and one very moody Norwegian girl...
That time really took a lot of energy out of me, and it really threw me back in classes. But in the end, I made it and am doing so much better now. If it wasn't for the German family who willingly kind of adopted me, I wouldn't have been able to recover so well and quickly. I really do regret the time and energy I have wasted to save the situation and make it work between my 3 former flatmates, and especially the fact that because of this and my health problems I could never concentrate on studying and have therefore missed out on so much.
Though, I don't think it's worth regretting that time. Because when I look back, there were so many nice moments too I just didn't see back then. I got to know so many nice people who with just being there made me feel so much better. And if it wasn't for all that, I would have never met that nice family I am living with now. They are probably the nicest and most upright people I have met in a very long time! I am very grateful about having met them. They probably don't know to what extend they did good for me.
The only thing that I kind of feel sad about is that I haven't been able to make Chinese friends. It just seems to be impossible. I have met nice ones by now though. So I won't give up the hope that one day I will have Chinese friends that are my friends because for who I am, not for what I can do.
Hold me Like the river Jordan And I will then say to thee You are my friend
Carry me Like you are my brother Love me like a mother Will you be there?
Weary Tell me will you hold me? When wrong, will you scold me? When lost, will you find me?
But they told me A man should be faithful And walk when not able And fight 'til the end But I'm only human
Everyone's taking control of me Seems that the world's Got a role for me I'm so confused Will you show it to me? You'll be there for me And care enough to bear me
Hold me (show me) Lay your head lowly (lowly) Softly then boldly Carry me there (I'm only human)
Lead me (hold me) Love me and feed me Kiss me and free me I will feel blessed (I'm only human)
Carry (carry) Carry me boldly (carry me) Lift me up slowly Carry me there (I'm only human)
Save me (save me) Heal me and bathe me (lift me up) Softly you say to me I will be there (I will be there)
Lift me (don't leave) Lift me up slowly Carry me boldly Show me you care (care)
Hold me Lay your head lowly (get lonely sometime) Softly then boldly (I get lonely) Carry me there (will you be there)
Need me Love me and feed me (lift me up, hold me up, lift me up sometime) Kiss me and free me (up sometime) I will feel blessed
In our darkest hour In my deepest despair Will you still care? Will you be there? In my trials And my tribulations Through our doubts And frustrations In my violence In my turbulence Through my fear And my confessions In my anguish and my pain Through my joy and my sorrow In the promise of another tomorrow I'll never let you part For you're always in my heart
